Trick 'r Treat
Horror's Not Dead
oct 11, 2008
I was waiting for something to get me excited about horror movies again.
Because seriously, kids, you have a new Favorite Goddamn Movie. And you don’t even know it.
Who knows when the fuck you’ll even get to see it? Nobody. That’s who. Not even the dude who
directed it. And that breaks my goddamn heart.
I was going to wait a day to write this. Let it digest. But I just got back from the opening night
screening of TRICK ‘R TREAT at Screamfest. And this shit just could not be put on hold. I’m
typing this on a friend’s computer. Free form. No notes. Stream of consciousness or whatever.
No nutgraphs or hooks or lead-ins or clever fucking autobiographical shit. Halloween is my
favorite day of the year. Fuck my birthday. Fuck Christmas. Fuck George Washington and his
stupid birthday. HALLO-GODDAMN-WEEN, kids. I assume that most of you kids reading this here
feel the same way. And if you don’t, then fuck you, stop reading this review.
If TRICK ‘R TREAT had a penis, it was in my car on the drive back from the theatre. And me
and my friend were fellating it. Ferociously and affectionately. Thick ropes of drool hanging
from our lips, glistening tongues darting along the veiny, hard shaft.
Whoa. Sorry. Okay, R.J., collect your goddamn thoughts for a second. Stop ranting. And for fuck
sake not more homosexual erotica.
It’s hard to not rant. Because I’m depressed. But at the same time, overwhelmed with joy.
It’s like I just had the best sex of my life, with the girl I plan to marry and grow old with, and
while I was in the kitchen, getting her a glass of water, some asshole came in and
kidnapped her. Yeah, that’s exactly it. Somebody came in and kidnapped the best lay and
love of my life.
Because TRICK ‘R TREAT doesn’t have a release date. At all. Not in theatres. Not on dvd.
Not on fear.net direct TV satellite digital cable bullshit or whatever-the-fuck.
I’m sure at this point you want me to talk about the movie. Fuck you and your impudence, I’m on
an incline here.
I don’t want to talk about the actual film too much. BecauseI don’t want to spoil a goddamn thing
for any of you (on the off-chance that someday you may actually get to see it). But I will say this: If
there’s a personal heaven for each person when they die, then Warren Valley, Ohio (where the
film takes place) is mine. And probably yours too. I mean, I wouldn’t put money or anything on it.
But I’ve got a feeling, you know.
Seriously, this place is Halloweentown times a billion. And real. So fucking real it almost hurts.
Halloween parades, spooky fucking town legends, a citizenry made up of the greatest kind of
characters (think of your favorite TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE episodes… and then imagine
those episodes written and directed by Jumpin’ Jesus Christ hisself, or whatever you believe in
spiritually. Except for you, Scientologists. You can fuck right off). …and Sam.
My sweet cracked-out Lord, Sam. Sam. The Santa Claus of Halloween. Shit.
Oh, and also everything about the movie, technically and creatively is fucking perfect. And that’s
it. That’s all the time I’m going to give to the merits of the film itself. Because, there is honestly
nothing much I can disclose that will do it justice. JUST SEE IT. THE FIRST FUCKING CHANCE
YOU GET. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S IN FUCKING FEBRUARY ON GODDAMN VALENTINE’S
DAY. FUCKING SEE IT.
I’m not kidding here, SEE IT.
Now, I want to talk about the Great Fucking Tragedy. And, my friends, The Great Fucking Tragedy
is that there is no release. So we must take action. Write to Warner Bros. Write to your Senator or
Congressperson. Write to your Church. Write to Barack Obama. Actually, yeah. Just write to
Barack Obama. Fuck everybody else. Bypass them. Let’s go over their heads and take this fight
right to the top. If there’s anybody who can get this shit done, it’s Obama.
If you want to see this movie get the theatrical release it doesn’t only deserve, but FUCKING
DEMANDS WITH THE VERY AWESOMENESS OF ITS EXISTENCE - and, don’t see for yourself,
take MY word for it, you fucking do - then write to Senator and Future President of the United
States of Goddamn America Barack Obama and beg, plead, implore, or whatever of him to DO
SOMETHING. Ask him to suspend his campaign (dude’s got it in the bag anyway) and put all his
effort into getting this movie a proper fucking release by 10/31/08.
That’s Change We Can Believe In, people. And that’s exactly what I’m fucking talking about here.
Hope. Change. Progress. A New and Better Goddamn America. No longer can we let the politics
of division deny us of AWESOME FUCKING HALLOWEEN MOVIES. We must join together,
reach across the aisle in a truly bipartisan effort and GET THIS MOTHERFUCKER RELEASED IN
THEATRES ACROSS THIS BLESSED NATION BY HALLOWEEN. OF THIS VERY FUCKING
YEAR. 500 MILLION SCREENS, PEOPLE. BELIEVE.
And let me backtrack for a just a moment here, guys. I called it a “Halloween Movie” back there.
Did you see that? Okay, go ahead and re-read it. No. Yeah. That last paragraph or whatever. It’s
right there. The first sentence. It’s cool, I’ll wait. Got it?
Okay. Yeah. I called it that. Because that’s what it is. This isn’t just a Horror Movie. TRICK ‘R
TREAT is a FUCKING HALLOWEEN MOVIE. Probably the only real one ever. Seriously.
Remember when you were 7 years old or whatever and Halloween made you feel invincible and
excited and amazing and powerful and Lost in Paradise and all that shit? This movie gave me that
feeling again. TRICK ‘R TREAT IS HALLOWEEN.
And while we’re on the message of Hope, let me be clear: there IS, indeed, Hope. At the Q&A
after the movie, (Writer and Di-motherfucking-rector) Michael Dougherty made a comment about
all the merchandising that’s been released bearing the TRICK ‘R TREAT brand. And, homies, it is
STAGGERING. Books, dolls, action figures, posters, etc. That gives me hope. As does a
statement made by an audience member about a certain comic-book-based film that may or may
not have made WB enough money to assure their executives a solid and comfortable lifestyle in
the Road Warrior-esque future that is undoubtedly just around the corner for this Doomed,
Doomed planet. I mean, come on. How much money did that thing make? 217,492,053 ZILLION
DOLLARS? So, it’s not like releasing this thing would break their bank.
Also, there were 453,296,541 people in the audience tonight (give or take two or three) and
EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS APPLAUDED LIKE
LUNATICS WHEN THE END CREDITS ROLLED. Hell, half of them clapped like crazy
DURING certain scenes in the movie.
And as my man, Barack, has said, Nothing Can Stand in the Way of The Power of Millions of
Voices Calling For Change. A-fucking-men.
Peace, kids. Let’s get this fucker released. For you. For your family. For America’s Future.
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